Last night I was pacing at bedtime, not around the room, just in my mind. I was wondering, mostly in a self-critical, exasperated way, if I would be able to make and complete goals for the new year. I haven’t had a lot of success in the past. Then also the past 2 years have been especially challenging as I have experienced adrenal and thyroid issues, leaky gut, food allergies, insomnia, and high levels of anxiety off and on. That has made staying focused very difficult.
Suddenly across the stage of my mind came a gentle thought yet piercing me too. “Am I the center of your life? Do you love Me?”
Two insights at once: 1–I wasn’t being very loving or kind toward myself and 2–my aspirations were low, close to the ground. I looked up and sensed a yearning in the Lord for my love and attention. I felt convicted that I needed to grow in loving Him with all my being. But how?
Next day I forgot all abt that, had my 30 minutes of quiet time and then off and running with a day where time and tasks done seemed to evaporate with little done besides a bit of cooking and cleaning–pretty common these days but very frustrating. I brooded about that and a medical goal that’s troubling and challenging at this point. I prayed and asked God what to do. I briefly considered doing the drastic Whole30 cleansing diet that some of my younger friends are doing but decided against it.
This kind and gentle thought came to me instead. “I’m not looking for bigger, deeper discipline from you but bigger, deeper relationship with you.” The scripture came to mind, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.” Again, questions–what does it mean for me to love God this way? I felt tender, convicted that I definitely needed a change. There was a longing in me for experiencing God in a deeper way, to be enveloped in His love and peace in a way that was so deep and personal that all these daily hassling thoughts would be ditched because I am in some kind of place experiencing deeply His love, His peace, His presence.
Another scripture came to mind. “When you seek Me with all your heart, then you will find Me.” That whole heart and being thing again. I don’t think I know God this way; I don’t seek Him or love Him with all my being, with all my attention. I honestly don’t have a rest in my soul that is secure in His love. I’m ever uneasy. Stop the insanity of that.
I’m ready to change. This may need to be my first goal of the new year: to seek to know and experience the Lord in such a way as this:
1–I know that by my actions and use of time and attention I am truly seeking Him with all my being
2–I experience a peace and security, a joy and love in relationship with the Lord that I have never experienced before.
Hm–mmm, I will give it a little more thought and prayer. Do you love Him with all your being? Are you peaceful and secure in Him no matter what comes up?